Selfish Bastards and Codes of Friendship
by 123serendipitee
Summary: The guys just met Jess...why would they leave the Wild Wild West Charity Auction...and Caroline...for HER! I wrote these first three stories to try to fill in those blanks for myself...but I hope that you enjoy reading them, too. :oD
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:****I don't own "New Girl", but I sure do love it!**

**Author's Notes:****With this, I FINALLY wrap up the "Pilot" arc that I started with "Worm Holes and Doors to Enlightenment", and "Five Days of Jess". WHEW! I want to keep writing, but I do NOT intend to get three stories out of every episode, from now on. ;o) I just thought there were so many gaps to fill in, for the pilot, since by necessity they had to rush the story along at that point. Now I feel a little more satisfied, in my own little mind ;o), as to the guys' motivations behind the way the ep ended.**

**I love Nick!**  
**And I love Nick and Jess!**  
**But I also personally prefer to stick with show canon.**  
**So while you won't find them hooking up in my stories any time soon, you WILL find lots of delightful little relationship seeds sown along the way, and if you're like me, that's the stuff that makes you SQUEEEEE, anyway. ;o)**

"What's this douche-bag's name? Phillip or something?

"Peter. And don't look at me like that, it wasn't my idea, he found her on his own."

Nick and Schmidt were sitting at the dining room table, eating whatever they could find in the fridge to eat. They'd been up late at the bar the night before, Nick working, of course, and Schmidt and Coach helping their new roommate Jess find a rebound to help her get over her recent devastating break-up.

Nick hadn't approved of the whole rebound plan in theory, and he SURE didn't approve when the only guy who had seemed willing to apply for the job was one of Schmidt's lamest friends, "P-Funk".

But, this dude didn't seem as bad as the complete D-bag Benjamin, and Jess had a way of bringing out the best in people anyway, so who knew, maybe it wouldn't be a complete disaster.

Still, he couldn't seem to shake the nagging feeling that nothing good was going to come of it.

And it wouldn't have been so bad, if Jess didn't seem so darn excited about it. She'd been dancing and singing around the apartment all morning. Not like a Disney princess, mind you, but like the complete, silly, naive dork that she was, and Nick felt somehow responsible for being a part of setting her up for what would probably just be another heartbreak.

"Schmidt," he pointed at his friend forcefully, "I'm holding you personally responsible when this just ends in tears. So help me, if this whole thing blows up into another month full of manic baking sessions and Dirty Dancing marathons, I will punch you in the teeth. Because I can't keep living that way."

"Seriously Nick, ok, number one, she's not planning on marrying this guy or anything, it's just a rebound date. That was the premise from the beginning. And number two, are YOU still grousing about having to put up with her break-up drama? Because if you are, I simply can't stand the irony."

"YEAH, ok, I went through a tough break-up of my own, and yeah, you had to put up with a lot for a couple of weeks..."

"...WEEKS?..."

"...but allow me to point out what I consider to be a vital difference here, which is that you and I had been friends for a very long time before Caroline and I broke up. You were basically bound by the codes of friendship to see me though that tough time."

Schmidt snorted at that, while Nick continued with his postulation. "Need I point out, WE JUST MET THIS GIRL? Sure, I feel for her, I really do. But there are no bonds there, historical, familial, or otherwise, requiring me to react with patient understanding every time she falls off her emotional rocker!"

"Touching, Nick. Real sensitive of you."

"Oh, I freely admit, I'm a selfish bastard. I've never claimed otherwise."

Coach walked in yawning and stretching. "What time is it? DAMN, it's almost one. What's been going on this morning?"

"Jess has been chirping around the apartment like Minnie Mouse on helium, and Nick has confirmed once again that he is, indeed, a selfish bastard."

Nick nodded his full agreement, while Schmidt continued, "Glad you got your beauty sleep Aurora, because tonight we GET OUR PARTY ON!"

Coach still wasn't fully awake. "Huh?"

"The Wild Wild West Charity Auction. Thanks to Nick growing a pair and texting Caroline to get us tickets, we will be rocking the range tonight! Frolicking on the frontier! Lassoing some cowgirls! Put 'er there, pardners!"

Schmidt held out his hands for a fist-bump triangle, which only Coach took halfhearted part in. Nick just sat with his hands in his lap, and said, "Oh, no, I will not be attending that function."

"WHAT? Nick you got us the tickets! You HAVE to go!"

"I fail to see how that dictates my attendance."

"Don't you see? This is YOUR time to rebound! It's been six months, dude! Time to put Caroline behind you! Look how awesome you did texting her for the tickets!"

"Uh, yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Do you WANT me to get back together with Caroline, or what?"

Schmidt and Coach shuddered in unison. "GOD no, why would you even ask that?"

"Well did it not ever occur to you, the whole time you were pressuring me to call her, that she is my kryptonite? I can't resist her force. It's an innocent text one day, a needy phone call the next, and next thing you know I'm going to be moving back in with her, then breaking up again, and then it will be me hanging out on the couch with Jess watching Dirty Dancing and eating Chinese take-out while we sing Alanis Morrisett songs into our chopsticks."

"Nick you don't get it...SIX MONTHS, dude. It was time. That brief contact was the next step in the process. You passed with flying colors. Now it's time for you to SEE Caroline again, and pass that test as well, so that you can stop wincing in visible pain every time you hear someone start to mention CARole Burnette..."

"...CARob chips..." Coach chimed in.

"...CARotid arteries..."

"Oh, no, I can't see her again! That cannot happen!"

"Sure you can. She's going to walk up to you, and she's going to do that thing she always does..."

"What thing?"

Coach answered from where he now had his head buried in the fridge, "That thing where she pretends to actually be sane and normal, in order to lure you back."

"RIGHT," continued Schmidt, "and she's going to say, 'Hey Nick, what do you say you and I go out for a cup of coffee and discuss what we're going to name our future children', and YOU'RE going to say...?"

"I'm going to say, sure, let's stop by the bookstore and get one of those books with baby name meanings," Nick said in defeat.

"NO! You're going to say, 'I'm sorry Caroline! There's been a misunderstanding! This night is not about you and me! This night is about my friend Schmidt...I'm just here to support him!'"

"Ok, like she would ever buy that!"

"Why not?"

"Because she KNOWS me! She knows I don't just do things for people, unless there's something in it for me. Need I repeat, I am a selfish bastard! No one has pointed that out more than Caroline. Well, ok, my mom, then Caroline."

Coach came in dipping a carrot stick in a huge tub of strawberry yogurt, earning a horrified double-take from Schmidt. "Your mom calls you a bastard, man? That's cold!"

"You don't know my mom, man...she's hardcore. But NO, just all the rest of it, minus the bastard..."

"MEN, COULD WE PLEASE FOCUS HERE!" Schmidt interjected impatiently. "I'm going to this babe-fest tonight, and I need wing-men. Coach, as an ethnic minority already, it seems appropriate for you to dress up as an Indian. Nick and I will go as cowboys."

"I'm not going, Schmidt!"

"You're going!" Schmidt shouted, before gathering himself, and then he went back to pleading with his friend, since it had seemed to finally work the day before. "Please Nick, I'm asking you as a favor. I need you and Coach both there in order to complete my appeal portrait with the ladies."

Nick and Coach both looked at him in askance.

"Coach's bumbling interactions with females will only exaggerate what a smooth talking cat I am. And standing next to Nick will draw full and proper attention to my spectacularly toned physique!"

"Now _I'm _thinking about not going," muttered Coach.

"YOU'RE GOING!"

"Wow Schmidt," Nick said, "although you really sweetened your case with a complete insult, I repeat, I have NO interest in helping you out tonight, in any way, shape, form, or fashion. If you need me, I'll be here on the couch, except that, OH YEAH, don't bother calling, because I won't care. Because I'm a selfish bastard.

"Case in point," Nick continued, "this thing with Jess. For some unknown reason, you and Coach thought that I was the obvious person to try to help her navigate the treacherous sandbars of heartbreak. And I tried to care about her, I really did. I feel for her. But she's all yours, now! As soon as I realized that there was nothing in it for me but ceaseless mental and emotional frustration and exhaustion, I was OUTTA there! I shut down. I'm done. That's what I do. Because I AM... say it with me..."

"...a selfish bastard." His friends rolled their eyes.

"That's right, good, I'm glad we're all on the same page here. It's really nice to have friends who know you and accept you for what you are. I'm glad we've had this little talk." Nick stood up, and started towards his room.

"Then why are you worrying over her like a Jewish grandmother?"

"Hmmm? What?"

"If you're such a heartless bastard, and if you've completely washed your hands of her, then why have you been kevetching about this stupid date all day? I have to tell you buddy, you've come dangerously close to sounding like someone who actually, you know, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings here, but...CARES."

"Can't hear you, can't answer your question, I'm answering the door," Nick said flippantly. Which wasn't actually a lie...someone _had _been knocking very insistently, angrily even, at the front door.

He opened it to find himself face to face with one of the most fiercely beautiful women he'd ever seen in person.

And yeah, she looked mad.

For one crazy second, he entertained the possibility that she was one of Schmidt's scorned lovers, then he half-laughed at the ludicrousness of that thought, even as he started telling the ethnic goddess before him, "I'm sorry, I think you must have the wrong apartment."

"I wish," muttered the girl, as she pushed her way past him unceremoniously. "You're Nick, right?"

"Ummm, yea-"

"Look Nick, I already know everything I need to know about you. You've been through your own terrible breakup. Real sad. But listen, don't even think about trying to use your 'connection' to wrangle empathy sex out of my best friend. It's not going to work. Not while I'm around."

She turned towards Schmidt and Coach, who by then were standing behind Nick, and he could practically feel the vacuum suction from their gaping mouths.

"Look, Jess has this horrible, fatal flaw. She sees the good in everyone. So you guys might have her fooled, but not me. I've got your number."

"YOU," she indicated Coach, "Are a testosterone-fueled misogynist, but Jess thinks you're really just a teddy bear. I'm on to you A-Rod. Watch the 'roid rage."

"And YOU..." she considered Schmidt for a few seconds, and then just shook her head dismissively. "Never mind, no matter how emotionally scarred Jess might be right now, even she wouldn't be stupid and naive enough to get messed up with the likes of you. Now where is she."

The guys mutely pointed her down the hall, and for a few seconds the stunned silence that followed was broken only by Coach whimpering, "Mommy!"

Nick slowly turned back to his friends, and marveled wonderingly, "Guys, I'm serious. I think my testicles just crawled up inside me, and are currently huddling behind my spleen."

But Schmidt just grinned happily, "Congratulate me, my bros. I have just met the girl I'm gonna marry."


	2. Chapter 2

They had all pretty much decided that Jess's "model" friend was just another figment of her over-active imagination.

But here she was, just back from a European photo-shoot. Sitting across from them being gorgeous and terrifying. Breathing the same oxygen they were breathing. It appeared the wonders of living with Jess would, indeed, never cease.

She'd opted to stay in the living room with them, while Jess got dressed. The intent had been, Nick suspected, further interrogation and intimidation. But his roommates were acting so bizarre, you could tell she was regretting her choice.

Coach was all but visibly drooling, and Schmidt's douche-baggery was so over-the-top that the jar promised to be over-flowing soon.

The extreme awkwardness of the situation was finally broken when Cece flatly informed them that Jess was the best person she knew, and that if they let anything happen to her, she would come there and crazy-murder them. And then she went to help Jess finish getting dressed.

It seemed to take an inordinate amount of time, even by feminine standards. When the girls finally emerged, Nick blinked for a minute at the fact that they had switched clothes, and Jess was now wearing the little black dress that Cece had shown up in. Oh sure, Jess didn't quite fill it out the same way that Cece had. But she was really looking lovely, and Coach's "Woooow!" expressed what they were all thinking.

For a second or two she stood there looking shy and ladylike. Annnnnd, then she broke out some sort of busted club move. So...that was that. Back to Jess as "normal".

When she mentioned texting Peter to let him know she was on the way, Nick said, "Wait, have you been texting him?"

"Yeah...is that bad?"

He thought for a second and said, "No...it's nice." If Peter had been texting back and forth with her, maybe they actually had something good going. She was so excited about the date, so it was nice to think that maybe this guy was looking forward to it too.

Cece, apparently, still had her doubts. "Listen, I'm serious, the second you feel weird about anything, CALL ME, and I'll find an excuse to get you out of there!"

"Cece, relax, it's going to be fine...this guy is a friend of Schmidt's!"

Nick and Coach both made involuntary little sounds in their throats, but Cece's eyes had already widened at this revelation. She glared Schmidt down and said, "This is on you, frat boy. I'm holding you personally responsible if my friend comes home crying, and trust that I can find ways to make you regret your very existence."

"Why do people keep saying this to me?" Schmidt muttered.

Cece just ignored him, and ran Jess through a check list: "Phone? Phone charger? Breath mints? Protection? Mace?"

"All that, aaaAND my list of conversation starters!" Jess said, holding up a white square.

Cece snatched the raggedy piece of paper from Jess's hands, "Is this the same list you made before the 8th grade dance? 'Who's a better match for Princess Peach...Mario or Luigi?' JESS!"

"I figured that one out in '98...The more recent additions are towards the bottom, on the back!" Jess snatched her list back and stuffed it back in her purse. "Anyway..." she made one final twirl, "Everything good?"

Her three roommates gave her an approving thumbs up, and she said, "Ok, the longer I stand here, the more nervous I get. Let's DO this thing!"

"I'll walk you down," said Cece, but after opening the door for her BFF she held back long enough to direct a final meaningful glare in Schmidt's direction. She didn't say a thing, but that stare-down held more threat of evil than words ever could have.

When the door finally closed behind them, Coach visibly shuddered, and Nick asked, "Do we have any sage? Anyone know anything about smudging? I feel like a malevolent spirit just passed through this place."

"One, I'm going to have to ask you not to speak that way of the future Mrs. Schmidt, and TWO, gentlemen, muster your forces, we are a good 30 minutes behind schedule." Schmidt jumped from model-mode to wild-wild-west-mode seamlessly, striding purposefully towards the bathroom before stopping to reinforce, "Remember to forget everything I ever told you. Coach, no need to use your kitten-petting voice tonight, and Nick... try to slump a little. What am I saying, you're always slumping. But NO sucking in your gut. Do you hear me? Because I'm not sure you're taking me seriously. I need you to make me look good! Except...uh, except with the ugly girls. You can suck your gut in around the ugly girls. Okay? Okay! IT'S ON AND POPPIN'!"

Nick and Coach looked at one another and sighed in resignation. "I'm not dressing up for this thing, are you?"

"Hells no, man!"

But they were going.

Codes of friendship, and all that.


	3. Chapter 3

As they walked towards the club, Schmidt drilled Nick once again. "Ok, so if, or should I say, WHEN Caroline comes up to you and says, 'Hi Nick, you've been on my mind...do you think we could find someplace more quiet to, you know, talk?' -YOU, my fine friend, are going to say:..."

"Sure, let's go name some babies."

"No, NO! Nick, you are not respecting the process, here! It's very simple...the more times you repeat a lie, the more convincing it starts sounding, and the easier it gets to stand behind it. Now, repeat after me, 'No Caroline, I'm just here to help a friend."

Nick tugged at the stupid bandana that Schmidt had forcibly tied around his neck. "Believe it or not, Schmidt, I'm feeling pretty good about this. I think once I get past, you know, just SEEING her, I'll be fine."

But he wasn't. Not after he saw the look on her face...that fluttery, nervousy, happy, "I've been anxious to see you, too" look. And with some banter about "prank" phonecalls, they quickly fell back into a comfortable old groove, and before Nick knew it, he was doing EXACTLY what his friends had warned him about.

But then some little part of him dug in its heels and refused to go any further, without at least asking why she broke up with him. That was the mature thing to do, he thought. Jess would approve, he thought. No sense in just falling back into old patterns, which was really all Schmidt was warning him about, right? If this was going to be a new beginning, then let it be one, and let it start with honesty.

And Caroline appeared to be being honest, when she indicated that apparently his communication skills were so bad, she wasn't even sure that he'd really even cared about her, while they were still together.

Wow. Ok. And maybe there'd been a time when he wouldn't have accepted that, but the night before, Jess had basically told him the same thing about needing to express his feelings better. So he stopped and considered that maybe this was a real thing, and that he should take ownership of it.

So there you had it...communication, honesty, and acceptance of personal culpability. With that, he definitely thought he'd earned a drink with Caroline. It was just a harmless drink, after all.

But just then, Schmidt's idiot friends had shown up. And Peter had bragged about standing Jess up, with no explanation, because she seemed to want a relationhip, and all he'd wanted was a "hook-up".

And immediately, Nick had thought about how happy and nervous Jess had been all day...and about the sweet confidence and optimism on her face when she'd stood by their door and said, "This is gonna be GREAT!"

And he guessed that Schmidt had been right, after all, because the unfamiliar words were coming so easily out of his mouth, and they sounded like he meant them. "I'm sorry Caroline, I gotta go help a friend."


	4. Chapter 4

In the taxi on the way to the restaurant, Coach asked Schmidt, "Why the hell are YOU coming along? We could have handled it. Aren't you afraid of missing some hot Indian ass?"

Schmidt groaned in regret, "PLEASE don't remind me. But for your information, Hot Indian Ass is exactly why I'm here...I'd really like to stay on Cece's good side."

"I think you have to BE on it, before you can STAY on it," Coach pointed out.

"HAHA, very funny. But what about you? Why didn't you just stay back at the auction?"

Coach just shrugged. "Wasn't my scene to begin with. I thought it was a good excuse to split. Besides...she told her friend she thinks I'm a teddy bear!"

They all sat in silence for awhile, staring out the windows, thinking their individual thoughts. When Schmidt finally spoke again, he sounded a little less distraught. "I do have to say, Nick...you were brilliant, my man. That was brilliant. I never meant for you to take such a drastic action in turning Caroline down, but man, you should have seen the look on her face when..."

"Yeah, I don't want to talk about it, Schmidt."

"No, but when you..."

"SCHMIDT. No."

They lapsed into silence again, and Nick had to ask himself, what was HE doing here? Driving _away_ from the love of his life, and _towards_ a girl who he'd only known a couple of weeks, and who, frankly, had spent the greater part of that time annoying the snot out of him.

And he realized, for maybe the first time, that he really DID care about her. Something about the childlike optimism of her stupid made up songs, and her love of cheesy 80's movies, and her whole seeing-the-best-in-everyone, had finally gotten to him. And damn if she hadn't quickly weaseled her way into being ONE of them. A member of their dysfunctional little family. A...friend.

And when they rushed into the restaurant and saw her there, sitting alone and dejected at the table, it hit him that all the crying she'd done before...that had been grieving the past. But now she looked like she was giving up hope for the future, too. And he knew how that felt. And he didn't want her to feel that way.

Because it was a shitty way to live your life.

So in the end, it was completely worth humiliating himself in order to see that look of wonder return to her eyes. That naive belief that the world was a good place, filled with good people. That was good...let her keep believing that, just a little while longer. With the crying and the laughing and the singing, all at the same time. Because that was Jess.

And funnily enough, as it turned out...that was someone he liked.


	5. Chapter 5

After getting kicked out of the restaurant, the quartet had stuffed themselves into a taxi, and couldn't stop laughing. Nick didn't remember feeling so nonsensically high on life since middle school...well, not while sober, anyway. And even Schmidt, when reminded that he still had time to return to the auction, just shrugged and said, "Why don't we just catch a movie."

"You know what I feel like watching?" Coach asked.

"Please don't say what I think you're fixing to say," Nick muttered.

"I feel like watching DIRTY DANCING!"

That made Jess start crying again, which made Nick start singing again, which made the taxi driver silently reach up and close the window in the glass partition. And they laughed all the way home.

When the movie was over, Schmidt and Coach shuffled sleepily off to their rooms, and Nick and Jess sat in silence for awhile, just letting the credits scroll. When the screen finally went black, Nick said, "I'm sorry your rebound was such a bust, Jess."

She looked at him like she didn't know what he was talking about, and answered happily, "But it wasn't!"

"What do you mean? That jerk stood you up. Wait...please don't tell me you've been texting him again!"

She laughed, "No, Nick, he served his purpose."

"Without ever showing up," he stated with flat incredulity.

"Sure! Think about it Nick...what's a rebound really supposed to do? It's supposed to get you out there again...let you know that you can do this thing again...and that other people ARE going to be attracted to you. That there WILL be other people in your life who care about you."

"Yeaaah?" He still didn't get it.

"Oh Nick! I went out there! I did it! I was nervous, but I did it. I flirted with other guys! I landed another date! It wasn't about HIM...it was about ME."

"Yeeeeah..." Maybe it was getting a little clearer now.

"Besides, at the end of the evening I had not one, but THREE handsome men serenading me in a public place...just because they cared about me. And not a single one of them wanted to have sex with me!"

"Well, Schmidt," they both said in unison, dismissing the obvious.

And her smile as she continued was positively angelic. "I'll never forget that for as long as I live. Thank you Nick."

"Yeah...ok...sure..." To cover up his embarrassment, Nick went over and slid the movie out of the dvd player, put it away in its case, and handed it back to her.

"Goodnight Jess. I'm glad you weren't too disappointed." He started to go to bed, but she stopped him.

"Wait...Nick..." When he turned, she tossed him the dvd. "I think it's time for this to go into the vault."

"You mean...?"

"YEP. I'm naming you keeper of Dirty Dancing. I won't be allowed to watch it again until YOU say so."

He grinned a crooked grin. "I'm warning you Jess...if you put me in charge, the contingency clause is going to be stringent. I'm going to need you to date someone for six years again, and then get dumped by them in the middle of a humiliating strip-tease, in front of their mistress, before I'm going to deem it time to break it out again."

"Cool. Fine. I can live with it. Stand it up on a shelf in your room and consider it my pact with you that my moping over Spencer is OVER."

He gave her a piercing look. "You're sure."

She nodded solemnly.

"Well then...if you're sure..." He started to bed again, and then stopped short and turned and looked back at her. "You're just going to buy another copy, aren't you?"

"Amazon has the Blu-ray Keepsake edition on sale for 14.99 right now".

He just sniffed a smile and said again, "Goodnight, Jess."


End file.
